


Ibiza

by shades_of_violet



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, Gap Filler, Season/Series 04, What-If, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-07-06
Updated: 2008-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-26 23:18:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12068997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shades_of_violet/pseuds/shades_of_violet
Summary: What if Brian had told Justin about his cancer and taken him to Johns Hopkins with him?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

“That’s the point of being your own boss, isn’t it? Make your own hours, come and go as you please, not answer to anyone,” Brian lectured.

“Almost anyone,” Justin amended as he entered the room.

“Ball and chain. Cynthia, would you excuse us?”

“Be sure to eat plenty of fresh fruit and drink lots of tap water,” Cynthia advised sarcastically as she turned on her heel and left the office.

“Where are you going?” Justin asked as he put his messenger bag down.

“Ibiza. I’m leaving tonight,” Brian casually replied as he stuffed papers into his briefcase.

Justin couldn’t believe his ears. “Without me?”

“You’re going back to school, remember? It would be highly irresponsible of me to just pull you out,” Brian answered in that practical, lecturing tone that Justin hated.

“Fuck school, fuck the bet, fuck you. We were supposed to go together.”

Brian exploded, “We’re not fucking married. And I don’t need to get your fucking permission if I want to go somewhere.”

Brian stalked out of the office to retrieve a document from another room. When he returned a moment later, Justin had managed get his reaction under control. As much as he was shocked and hurt, he wanted to avoid a fight that would just drive Brian away. “You’re right, you’re absolutely right. We have no obligation to tell each other anything. Look, if I did something or said something to piss you off, I didn’t mean to.” Justin edged up to Brian and put his arms around the older man.

“It’s not you,” Brian acknowledged softly, briefly nuzzling Justin.

“Hey, what is it? Then what?” But Justin’s questions were met with silence. “Okay, you go do whatever you have to do for whatever reason you have to do it. I just want you to know that I love you and I’ll be here when you get back.”

Brian’s eyes reflected only helplessness as he watched Justin get into his coat and start to walk out of the office. He sighed deeply and stared at the ceiling, clenching and unclenching his jaw, seeming to wrestle with himself over something. After a moment, he came to a decision and pulled open his office door.

Justin was almost out the front door of Kinnetik when he heard Brian’s voice. “Justin, come back in here.” He turned and walked back to Brian’s office, his unshed tears glistening in his eyes.

“Justin, I…” his shoulders slumped. “I need to tell you some things but not here.” He grabbed his briefcase and coat. “Let’s go to the loft.”

On the way, he phoned Melanie at work and asked her to meet him at the loft in about an hour. “Yes, I know you are busy but this is urgent. And confidential,” he added. Then he used a word that rarely left his lips, especially to Melanie. “Please.”

A moment of silence, then, “Fine. Can you bring some computer files with you, my will, as well as a power of attorney and a DPA? I’ll explain when you get to the loft.”

Justin was out of his mind with confusion over Brian’s behavior but he kept quiet, waiting for Brian to explain. When they arrived at the loft, Brian grabbed two bottles of water and motioned for Justin to join him on the couch.

Brian took a long drink from his water and stared at the bottle for several minutes before speaking. “Justin, I’m going to tell you some things and I want you to just listen. Don’t interrupt me until I’m finished. I promise to answer all your questions but first let me talk, ok?” Justin swallowed hard and nodded.

Brian took a deep breath and frantically tried to figure out how to do this. He hadn’t even remotely entertained the notion of telling any of this to Justin – just the opposite in fact. He knew he should soften the blow and explain things gently. But he didn’t have the mental energy and there simply wasn’t time right now. So he jumped right in and hoped that Justin would be able to handle it.

Continuing to stare at his bottle of water, Brian began, “I’m not going to Ibiza. I’m going to Johns Hopkins Medical Center in Baltimore to have surgery. I have testicular cancer. At least, that is the most likely diagnosis.”

He heard Justin’s gasp as it turned into a sob and his peripheral vision caught Justin’s hand fly out to grab his own a split second before he felt the desperate grasp.

He continued without looking up. “I found a lump and had it checked out. The doctor is pretty sure it is cancer.” He fidgeted with his water as he rolled his lips over his teeth. This was the difficult part. “They have to remove the testicle,” he swallowed, “and replace it with a synthetic prosthesis.”

He stopped and slowly looked over at Justin. His blue eyes were red rimmed and filled with tears. “Oh, god, Brian. Are you…? How bad is it? What are your chances?”

Brian squeezed Justin’s hand. “The doctor thinks that it is contained in the tumor and hasn’t spread. He feels that, with surgery, my chances are 99%. Pretty good odds.”

“Thank whatever for that,” Justin stood up and turned to face Brian. He could see the concern and worry in the blue eyes. But Brian saw something else there and could feel the explosion before it hit.

“And you were planning to lie to me about Ibiza.” It wasn’t even a question. “And just come back like nothing had ever happened. How the fuck did you think that I wouldn’t notice? I’m your boyf…partn…whatever the fuck you aren’t calling me this week. Jesus, I can’t believe that you would do that but that’s exactly what you were going to do, isn’t it? Shut me out of your life as if I didn’t matter. Were you ever going to tell me? Tell anyone?”

Brian sat passively through Justin’s tirade, figuring it would be best to let him vent. He had been prepared for this reaction since he had made the decision to tell Justin but that didn’t mean he had an answer ready. He sighed. “I didn’t want anyone to know. I planned on coming back and going on with my life. As far as you finding out, I thought it might be kinda tricky for awhile, but I’ve managed to keep you out of my pants for the last few weeks since I found the lump. What was a couple more?”

“So that’s why you haven’t been interested in fucking lately. I assumed that it was me, that you were getting bored. I wasn’t really worried until you turned down the guys that I brought home from Babylon last week. The Brian Kinney that I know would never do that. But I still want to know why you weren’t going to tell me? How could you think you could handle something like this alone?”

Now it was Brian’s turn to explode. “I’ll tell you why! I didn’t want you to know because I didn’t want to lose you!”

Justin’s face was a mask of confusion. “Lose me? What are you talking about? Why would I leave?”

“Why not? I’m diseased and soon I’ll be missing a ball. The one-ball wonder. Why would you want to stay with me?”

Justin couldn’t believe his ears. “Oh my God! Do you honestly think that I am that shallow? That I stay with you because you are flawless and perfect? Let me tell you something, Mr. Kinney. You have many faults and losing a ball is the least of them. I love you in spite of and because of your imperfections.” He paused and took a breath. “What changed your mind? Why are you telling me now?”

Brian raked his hand through his hair and hung his head. “I honestly don’t know. I guess when you walked out of my office earlier, something snapped. I wasn’t going to tell you the truth because I didn’t want to lose you but I felt like I was already losing you. It was a gut reaction.” He shrugged and took a long drink from his water bottle. “Look, Mel is going to be here shortly and I want to explain a couple things before she arrives.”

Justin sat back down on the couch. “I was wondering what she has to do with any of this.”

“She doesn’t know anything and I’m going to tell her as little as I can get away with. She can’t tell anyone anyway since she’s bound by attorney/client privilege. I asked her to come so that I can add you to my will. If something happens to me, I want you to be taken care of.”

Justin started to object but Brian waved him off and continued. “Quiet. Listen to me. I don’t have time to debate this. I’m adding you to the will and I want you to have Power of Attorney to make medical decisions for me in case I’m incapacitated.” He looked hard at Justin. “I’m going to tell you something else and I want you to pay attention. Are you listening?”

“Yes, I’m listening.”

“I’m going to ask Mel to put together a domestic partnership agreement. But I want to make several things perfectly clear. We are not married. This piece of paper changes nothing about our…for lack of a better word, relationship. It will just make things easier legally if something happens to me and you inherit from the will. You will never breathe a word about this piece of paper to anyone. Understood?”

“Yes. Brian, how risky is the surgery? Is there really a chance…?” his voice trailing off, unable to finish the frightening thought.

“No, it is a pretty basic surgery. I may have to stay overnight but that’s it. But anytime that general anesthesia is involved, there is a risk. Plus, if the cancer has spread…” he also left his thought unfinished.

Justin whimpered, “I don’t know if I can go through with this. I’m not ready for this, for your will, cancer, power of attorney. It’s too much to take in.”

Brian took hold of his lover by the shoulders. “Justin, listen to me. This changes nothing between us. It is a legal formality. I don’t expect to need to use any of it. I’m just covering all bases. Okay?”

“Alright.” Brian pulled Justin towards him, encircling his arms around the smaller man.

They were interrupted by a knock at the door. Brian disengaged from Justin to let Melanie into the loft. He gave her a run-down of the situation and answered some basic questions. “I hope that I don’t have to tell you that this information will go no further than this room, understand? I consider it covered under Attorney-Client privilege.”

“Yeah, I understand but I wish that you would tell Lindsay.”

“Did you bring the computer files?” Ignoring her last comment, Brian walked over to his desk and turned on his PC. “Why don’t you sit down here and complete the forms in real time? We are in a bit of a time crunch.” Brian went through the changes he wanted in his will, leaving half of everything including Kinnetik to Justin. The rest would go to Gus. Next, Melanie filled in the information on the Power of Attorney and Domestic Partnership Agreement forms, printed everything and gave them to Brian to check over. Satisfied, he and Justin signed where indicated.

“I’ll have these filed in the morning,” Melanie gathered up the papers and her flash drive. “So, when’s the surgery?”

“Day after tomorrow. I’m going to drive to Baltimore tonight since I have to be at the hospital tomorrow afternoon for testing and admissions bullshit. I’ve got a hotel suite reserved in Baltimore and I’ll day a few days to recover and then come back.”

Justin’s face registered shock and betrayal as Brian announced his plans. He kept his reaction under control until after Melanie had left. “What do you mean YOU are driving to Baltimore? Don’t you mean we?” I’m coming with you.”

“Oh no, you aren’t. I made an on-the-spot emotional decision to tell you the truth but under no circumstances are you coming with me.” Brian stalked into the bedroom to start packing.

Justin followed him up the steps. “Brian, I’m not going to let you go alone. I want to help you, take care of you. You can’t just shut me out again.”

Brian crossed the room in two strides and stood in front of Justin, his face nearly touching Justin’s. “That is precisely why I don’t want you to go. You listen to me and you listen good. I don’t need you to take care of me, I don’t want you to take care of me and I don’t want you there. That’s final.”

“But why? Please tell me why. You already told me about the cancer.”

Brians’ eyes flashed angrily. “I don’t want you to see me helpless, sick and stuck full of fucking tubes. It’s bad enough that you know about the cancer and the…” he gulped and looked away, “the artificial ball.”

“I don’t care about any of that. Don’t you get it? I love you, all of you. That won’t change if I see you sick. None of that matters.”

Brian exploded, “It matters to me. I don’t want anyone to see me like that, lying there like a fucking invalid.”

Justin could no longer hold back the tears. “You can’t just leave me here. I’m not just anybody - I’m your partner for Christ’s sake. I want to be with you and face this together. Don’t do this to me, to us.”

“I said I don’t want you there. That’s final.”

“Let me ask you a question,” Justin responded. “What if the situation was reversed and I had cancer? Would you let me go through it alone? Assuming that I even told you, of course.”

“Fuck, no. And cancer would be the least of your worries if you didn’t tell me and I found out.” Brian suddenly realized where Justin was going with this argument. “There’s no comparison. I never came to visit you in the hospital after the…” Brian still had trouble talking about it, “…after you got hurt.”

“That was different. You knew that I had friends and family with me and you only stayed away because you felt guilty, like the bashing was your fault. You know damn well that if the situation were reversed, you would never let me go alone. You care about me too much. Well, news flash, Brian Kinney. I care about you too much to let you face this on your own.

Hanging his head, unable to look at Justin, Brain walked a few steps away. Justin followed him and put his arms around his lover. “You said that you didn’t want to lose me and I sure as hell don’t want to lose you. Well, I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”

Brian thought about Justin’s words for several moments before he spoke. “I don’t want you fussing over me. I don’t need a fucking nursemaid, got it?”

“Oh, Brian.” Justin threw his arms around the older man.

“Well, start packing. We need to get on the road soon.” Brian ordered Chinese take-out while Justin ran over to Daphne’s to get some things and call his mother. All he told them was that he and Brian were going away for a week together.

“Ooooh…how romantic,” Daphne gushed. “He just whisks you away at a moment’s notice. I wish someone would do that to me.”

“Yeah…romantic,” Justin echoed, biting his tongue to keep from spilling everything to his best friend.

When he got back to the loft with his bag, Brian was packed and getting the food set out. “How long of a drive is it to Baltimore?” Justin asked, helping himself to the rice and Szechuan beef.

“About 4 hours, maybe a little less. I have a suite hotel near the hospital for a week.” Brian picked at his food. He still couldn’t believe that his carefully laid plans to keep his condition from Justin had totally unraveled.

“What’s the schedule for tomorrow? You said something about needing to be at the hospital.”

“I have to be at the hospital tomorrow at 2:00 for a bunch of tests and paperwork. Other than that, the day is free. Then back early the next morning for the surgery.”

They finished eating and Justin took out the garbage while Brian got their bags together and the loft settled for a week of disuse. They loaded their bags into the car and headed out. The drive was uneventful and passed quietly, neither man able or willing to talk about the maelstrom of thoughts and emotions that they were each experiencing.


	2. Chapter 2

They arrived at the hotel around 11 and checked into their suite. It was large and luxurious – Brian always sprang for the best.

After separate showers, they both climbed into bed. Justin immediately rolled partially onto Brian and kissed him, gently at first then hungrily, his hands cupping Brian’s face. Brian responded with the same urgency and stroked his hands down Justin’s back, cupping his picture-perfect ass with both hands. Justin slid down, kissing his way along Brian’s body, stopping only to suck and nibble on his lover’s nipples, eliciting a gasp. His hand edged its way to Brian’s hard and pulsing dick and firmly stroked it. Brian sighed and closed his eyes. Continuing the path down, Justin shifted to get more comfortable between Brian’s thighs and started licking and sucking on his cock, knowing from extensive experience how to please his lover. As he took the entire length into his mouth, his hand automatically caressed Brian’s balls.

Brian suddenly tensed and sat up, dislodging Justin in the process. “What is it?” Justin asked. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing. I guess I’m not in the mood tonight.”

“Well, it sure seemed like you were in the mood a second ago.” Justin smoothed his hands over Brian’s chest and shoulders. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” Brian repeated. “Oh, I don’t know. I’ve got cancer and they’re going to slice my diseased ball out of my body and replace it with a piece of plastic. What could possibly be wrong?”

Justin closed his eyes and hung his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that…I’ve missed you…missed your body. It’s been awhile since we…” Then Justin had another thought and raised his head to look at his lover. “Is it okay for you to have sex? Does it hurt you?”

“No, it doesn’t. Everything functions fine, at least it does for now,” Brian sighed. “I just don’t want you touching my balls.”

“Okay, I understand. If it bothers you, I won’t. But I want to be with you. I’ve missed this. Who knows how long it will take you to recover after surgery.” Justin scooted closer and nuzzled Brian’s neck, kissing and licking his way up to Brian’s ear. He could hear Brian catch his breath and then sigh. “Let me make you feel good tonight,” he murmured.

He could feel Brian relax and he eased his lover’s body back down onto the bed. Justin lay down on top of Brian and kissed him deeply, caressing his tongue with his own and then sucking it into his mouth as his hand slowly slid down to Brian’s nipple. After a moment, he gently bit down on Brian’s lower lip at the same time that he pinched Brian’s nipple between his thumb and forefinger.

Brian moaned and arched his back in response. Still kissing Brian, Justin moved his hand down until he was stroking Brian’s quickly swelling cock. He felt Brian stiffen slightly and reassured him with soothing noises. “I’m not going to touch them. Just trust me, okay?” Brian nodded and relaxed.

Justin stroked Brian’s cock until it was hard and wet before kissing his way down soft, olive skin until he reached his destination. Taking his time, Justin licked up the entire length before sucking the tip into his mouth. His hands stroked the shaft until he could hear Brian’s gasps. Not wanting him to climax yet, Justin pulled off and trailed kisses along the inside of his lover’s thighs.

Reaching a finger under Brian to tease his hole, Justin whispered, “Turn over. I want to taste you.” Brian barely hesitated before rolling onto his stomach. Outside of Brian’s peripheral vision, Justin allowed himself a small, knowing smile. Brian was such a slut for a rim job that Justin often wondered if he liked getting rimmed better than fucking. Probably pretty close. Brian put a pillow under his hips, spread his legs and pulled his knees up. The sight of it almost made Justin come. _Oh yeah, Brian wanted it bad._

The truth was the Brian loved being rimmed and Justin was about the best he’d ever had. But he rarely allowed himself to indulge in this pleasure for the simple reason that getting rimmed invariably led to him wanting to get fucked. That’s why he couldn’t let a trick do it. So, the opportunity didn’t present itself very often.

Justin lay down behind Brian and ran his hands up the long sculpted legs to his firm, perfect ass. Using his hands to cup Brian’s ass cheeks, Justin leaned in to lick the entire length of the crack before homing in on Brian’s puckered hole. He nibbled and licked his way around until Brian moaned loudly and shifted his hips closer to Justin’s face. Justin tried to restrain his moving partner as he straightened his tongue and pushed inside.

“Oh god, Justin.” Brian gasped and tried to push back to get that talented tongue in farther inside him. Justin tongue-fucked the older man for several minutes until Brian was mumbling and grinding his cock into the sheet beneath him.

Taking stock of Brian’s imminent disintegration, Justin slowly and quietly reached over to the nightstand for the lube and a condom where Brian had placed them within easy reach during their earlier unpacking. He tried to be sly about it and hoped Brian wouldn’t notice. Brian didn’t let him top very often. Most of the time when Justin would press his luck, Brian would head him off with a playful or sarcastic comment, take the supplies away and reassert control of the situation. But once in awhile, Brian would neglect to stop him and Justin would get to experience a slice of heaven – having his dick in Brian’s gorgeous, tight ass. It didn’t happen very often but the sporadic successes encouraged Justin to keep making the attempts.

If he was being honest, Brian would admit that he enjoyed getting his ass fucked. On rare occasions only. Brian would never ask Justin to fuck him. He couldn’t bring himself to go that far. But if he, say…failed to prevent it from happening…

Brian noticed Justin’s hand sneaking over to grab the lube and a condom. Instinctively, he started to object and then changed his mind. He closed his eyes and decided that tonight qualified as a rare occasion. He wasn’t sure exactly why but all he knew was that he was emotionally drained from the day’s events and exhausted from having to carry around the burden of his dreadful secret for the past few weeks. He was tired and, for a short time, he wanted someone else to be in charge and make him feel good. Tonight, he just wanted to feel and experience and not have to think and make any more decisions.

Watching Brian carefully for the usual signs that he was going to put a stop to the present progression of events, Justin lubed a couple fingers and slid one into Brian’s body. Brian gasped and shifted his hips a bit. Justin wriggled his finger around a bit before adding second finger. He twisted his fingers, feeling the tight muscles fighting his intrusion at first, then starting to relax. He leaned his body over Brian’s, kissing and licking his neck and his tight, muscled back. After he felt that Brian had loosened up a bit, Justin crooked his fingers and tapped his lover’s prostate. Brian’s body jerked and he made a noise that sounded like a cross between a gasp and a yelp. Justin added a third finger and slowly finger fucked Brian until the older man was swearing softly and grinding back on his fingers.

Brian’s mind was rapidly losing any semblance of coherent thought. _Christ, that felt good._ All he could focus on were those talented fingers. Between Justin’s fingers in his ass, his tongue on his back and the friction his dick was getting on the sheets under him, Brian was awash in stimulation. He knew he was dangerously close to coming…and just as close to begging for it. Before he let that happen, he raised his body and pulled his legs in under him. Justin got the message and withdrew his fingers so he could grab the condom and sheath his cock.

Brian grunted in response to the loss of Justin’s fingers but didn’t have to wait long until Justin was positioning his dick at his hole. Brian took a deep breath and concentrated on relaxing his ass. Since he didn’t bottom very often, it wasn’t an automatic response to being penetrated like it was for a “professional” bottom. He pushed back to let Justin know that he was ready and Justin eased his way into Brian’s body, all the while stroking his back to relax his partner. Justin knew that it was always uncomfortable for Brian at first and he did his best to go slowly.

Brian hissed at the stretch and burn and tried to focus on Justin’s soothing hands on his back. It wasn’t long until his body memory kicked in and the tension started to drain away. Pain was transformed to pleasure and Brian could enjoy the familiar fullness.

Justin sensed the change and slid the rest of the way in. “Oh fuck, Brian. You’re so tight. It feels incredible.” Justin was panting now, attempting to get control of his rapidly approaching orgasm. It was always this way when he topped Brian. Sure, he topped his tricks but it was never like it was with Brian. He was so incredibly aroused just being around the man that having the rare, and sole, privilege of fucking him was a fantasy come true. It was a test of his control not to shoot his load before he even got inside.

He grasped Brian’s hips and started a slow and deliberate rhythm, sliding nearly all the way out and then back in to the hilt. At the same time, he reached around and took Brian’s hard, dripping cock in his fist and synchronized his hands and his hips.

“Justin,” Brian gasped. He marveled at how good Justin was at fucking. He knew Justin topped his tricks but Brian had never really taught him anything other than by example. Justin must have been paying close attention. God knows he had had enough opportunities. Justin’s movements were practiced and smooth and his control wasn’t too bad. The way Justin got so excited over the prospect of fucking him, Brian always expected Justin would lose it before he even got all the way inside.

Justin’s strokes became more shallow and he adjusted his angle a couple times until he heard Brian moan, confirming that he had found his prostate. He proceeded to nail it on each thrust, driving Brian headlong into his climax. His thoughts scattered and all he could do was let go and surrender to the meteor shower of sensation.

“Fuck, Brian…I can’t hold it any longer,” Justin was panting hard, grunting in his efforts to restrain his own orgasm. Brian was too far over the edge to answer him as his balls pulled up and he came with a cry and shot his come into Justin’s hand and the bed underneath. The clenching of Brian’s ass around him was all Justin needed to give up the struggle and he came hard into the condom, jerking and shuddering through the aftershocks.

Both men collapsed on the bed in an exhausted heap. It was several minutes before Justin had the presence of mind to pull out. He stripped off the condom, tied it and tossed it in the trash before stretching his body out next to his lover and draping his arm over Brian’s back. Justin had learned that it was best not to acknowledge what had just happened. Brian was willing to let Justin fuck him once in awhile but that never progressed into wanting to talk about it.

Brian shifted, pulled the covers over their cooling bodies and settled in against Justin. After a few moments, he whispered, “You’d better not get used to it.”

“I never have,” Justin smiled to himself and closed his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, Justin floated up through layers of sleep to find Brian between his legs, sucking on his dick. He sighed in response and thought about how pleasant of an alarm clock Brian’s mouth was, Realizing that Justin was now awake, Brian pulled off and kissed his way up to Justin’s mouth. Brian gazed into deep blue eyes before kissing Justin hungrily. Brian pulled back but didn’t break eye contact as he reached for the lube and condoms that he had put within easy reach when he awoke. He rolled on the condom and squirted lube on his fingers. Then he lowered his body gently onto Justin and enveloped his lips in a deep kiss at the same time as he slid a finger into Justin’s body.

He felt, saw and heard Justin’s reaction as Justin moaned and arched his body in response. Justin’s body was incredibly expressive during sex and Brian loved to feel Justin’s reactions with his own body, the shudders and shivers reverberating between them. Brian quickly added another finger, preparing Justin as quickly and thoroughly as he could. When he felt Justin start to grind against his fingers, Brian pulled his head back and quirked his eyebrow in an unspoken question. Justin responded by lifting his legs around Brian’s waist.

Brian understood and pulled his fingers out long enough to get into position over Justin. Balancing on one hand and looking down at Justin, he seated his cock at Justin’s hole and slid into him in a smooth, practiced motion. Justin gasped at the intrusion, shifting his body slightly to accommodate the stretch. Brian paused for a moment while Justin took him in before pumping into him in long steady strokes. Justin raised his legs to encircle Brian’s back, enabling Brian to slip deeper inside of him.

Brian knew it wasn’t going to be long until his orgasm broke out of the tenuous hold that he had on it. Morning fucks tended to be quick and needy. At least the first one was. Moving closer against Justin and angling his thrusts, he aimed for Justin’s prostate and was rewarded with one of those indescribable sounds that Justin made and that drove Brian crazy with lust.

Deciding that it was time to cut to the chase, Brian took Justin’s dick in hand and pumped in time to his assaults on Justin’s sweet spot. Overcome with stimulation, Justin arched his back as he exploded into Brian’s hand. The spasms in his ass were enough to push Brian into his own orgasmic chasm and he groaned heavily as he filled the condom inside Justin.

Brian collapsed, mindful not to crush Justin. After they had caught their breaths, Brian propped himself up on one elbow, kissed Justin lightly and smiled. “Good morning.”

Justin returned the smile and chuckled. “Good morning to you too.”

They both decided that a shower was definitely in order. Justin noticed Brian’s poorly disguised wince as he climbed off the bed and smirked at the slight hitch in his step as he followed him into the bathroom. “Everything okay? You seem to be in some discomfort this morning.”

“I’m fine. Last night’s fuck was a little…energetic. Some of us aren’t as broken in as others,” he reached out and pinched Justin’s butt.

Justin squeaked and slapped Brian hand away. “Was he any good?”

“He wasn’t bad. Not really my type, though.”

“Maybe he’s mine. I should give him a call.” Justin waggled his eyebrows at Brian, who grabbed him in a headlock.

“Nothing doing. I’m keeping him around. Good fucks are hard to come by these days.” Keeping Justin’s head under his arm, Brian adjusted the water before climbing into the shower.

After shampooing their hair and washing each other’s bodies thoroughly, they enjoyed a more leisurely coupling in the warm cocoon of the shower. Justin leaned against the wall as Brian slowly slid into him and pleasured him with long, languid movements. Brian nibbled at Justin’s ear and sucked on his neck, stopping periodically to whisper how hot or tight Justin was and how he never wanted to stop fucking him. Neither man was in a hurry and they only decided to wrap things up when Justin’s stomach rumbled and they realized how wrinkled they’d become.

After breakfast from room service, Justin convinced Brian to go to the B&O Railroad Museum. He knew that Brian had always been fascinated with trains though he’d never actually admit that he’d played with them as a child. Justin chose to do something mindless for them to do in an attempt to forget, for a couple hours, about the purpose of their trip. Brian knew it too and he didn’t care. The rest of the visit would be stressful and unpleasant enough so the excursion sounded okay to him.

The museum was interesting but they couldn’t linger too long since Brian had to be at the hospital by 2:00. They found a promising looking deli nearby that served both thick, meaty sandwiches for Justin and gourmet salads to suit Brian’s taste. Afterwards, they drove out to the Johns Hopkins Medical Center. Justin wanted to accompany Brian, but this time Brian was firm.

“It’s just some blood tests, an ultrasound, a chest x-ray, a shitload of paperwork and mostly just sitting around waiting. I can handle this and there’s no sense in you wasting an afternoon. Go check out the art museum. You know that you enjoy those places much more without me along. I’ll call you as soon as I’m done. He got out of the car and waited while Justin took the driver’s seat. Brian twitched a little bit at the sight of Justin driving his prized possession. He leaned down and growled at his partner. “You put a scratch on this car and I’ll show you just how Rage-like I can be.”

Justin dutifully looked cowed for a few seconds before rolling his eyes and tilting his head up for a kiss. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” Brian kissed him, took one more look at the ‘vette and turned to go into the hospital.

Justin spent the next couple of hours enjoying the Baltimore Museum of Art and the largest collection of Henri Matisse in the world. He was enjoying himself so much that he lost track of time. He was just reaching for his watch when his phone rang. “Hey,” he answered when he saw Brian’s name on the caller ID.

“I’m almost done. Can you come and get me?” Justin heard the crackle of irritation in Brian’s voice. Brian never had patience for protocol and procedures so Justin could only imagine what kind of mood he was in now. He retrieved the car from the parking garage and went to collect Brian.

As soon as he pulled up, Brian motioned for him to get out of the driver’s seat. Brian made a show of examining the car before getting behind the wheel. Justin let out a dramatic sigh of relief after he buckled himself in. “Since I’m still alive, I guess you didn’t see the big dent on the back bumper where I clipped the wall of the parking garage.” He struggled to keep a straight face.

“Guess not.” Brian snorted.

“I’m not going to ask how your afternoon was. I think that’s obvious.”

“They are so fucking inefficient. I could have been in and out in 30 minutes, 40 tops instead of 2 hours, if they had been even slightly organized. And the stupid bitch in the lab was new and had to poke around in my arm until she found the vein. Now I’ve got fucking bruises all over my arm.” He pulled up his sleeve and yanked the Band-aid off his arm. “Fuck!” he swore when he looked at his arm.

“It’s not like it really matters. You’ll be in the hospital for the next two days anyway. What time do we have to be there tomorrow?”

“I have to be there at 6:00. I’ll try not to wake you when I leave.”

Justin’s eyes flashed angrily. “We are NOT going through this again. I’m coming to the hospital with you and that’s final.”

“Justin, be logical. You don’t need to come with me. Okay, I’ll admit that it’s been tolerable having you along to fuck and otherwise entertain me. And I suppose you could be useful waiting on me hand and foot after I get back to the hotel. But there’s no reason why you need to be at the hospital tomorrow. You can pick me up on Friday when I’m discharged. “

Taking a deep breath in an attempt to prevent a full-blown argument, Justin considered his response. If he begged and pleaded, Brian would just disregard him. If he started an argument, Brian would get angry and shut down. No, he needed to get to Brian’s soft spot.

“Remember what I said about it being me who had cancer?” Brian looked puzzled, then nodded. “Well, same question. If I were in the hospital with cancer and facing surgery, would you let me go alone?”

“Not the same, you’d have your friends and family with you. I wouldn’t need to be there,” Brian countered.

“Uh uh,” Justin shook his head. “Same situation. What if I was in the exact same situation as you and hadn’t told anyone else besides you. Would you let me go alone?”

“Oh, fuck. I don’t know what I’d do since I’m not in that situation.”

“Well, I do know. You don’t abandon your friends when they really need you and I know that rule applies even more to me. You’d never do what you are asking me to do.” Justin took Brian’s hand. “No matter what you call what we have together, we are partners. Partners are there for each other. You may not think you need me there and I’m sure you think you don’t want me there. But we are going to face this together. “

“But, Justin,” Brian made one last attempt to dissuade his very determined blond whateverthefuck. “Being there isn’t going to make any difference to the outcome. I’ll still have surgery and the results will be the same whether you are there or not. I just don’t see the practical purpose to you wasting time hanging around the hospital.”

Justin smiled. “You’re right, it won’t affect the end result. And I don’t need a practical reason for being there. I care about you and I want to be there for you every step of the way. Whatever happens, we do it together.” Justin didn’t voice his next thought. And you want me there with you, whether you admit it or not.

Brian sighed. Fuck it. It just wasn’t worth the effort. If he wants to sit around all day and discover new depths of boredom, fine with him.


	4. Chapter 4

They went back to the hotel to change clothes and consider their dining options. Neither wanted to stay in the room. Without saying as much, they both knew that they’d be spending a lot of time there after the surgery. Brian consulted with the concierge who recommended a lovely, upscale seafood restaurant. The food turned out to be excellent and the service met Brian’s exacting standards.

Justin noted with amusement that the waiter had been blatantly giving Brian _those_ looks all evening and Brian was just as obviously ignoring him. The looks and invitations happened so often that Justin hardly noticed them anymore. They were merely background noise. Apparently giving up on Brian, the waiter quirked an eyebrow at Justin, who had the inbred manners to shake his head slightly. The guy was totally hot and Justin was tempted, for about three seconds. He would never do that when he was out with Brian but it was more than that. He didn’t crave anonymous sex nearly as much as Brian did. He occasionally tricked at Babylon or in a threesome with Brian but that was it.

They were both a little drunk when they left the restaurant. Justin was in better shape so he drove them back to the hotel, amidst Brian’s protests and threats to his manhood if he wrecked the ‘vette. They arrived without incident and headed up to their suite. In the elevator, it became obvious that Brian’s lack of interest in fucking the waiter had nothing to do with a lack of interest in fucking. Brian’s hands and mouth were all over Justin, nibbling his ear and licking his neck before capturing Justin’s mouth with his lips and driving his tongue inside.

They almost didn’t realize that the elevator had reached their floor and had to scramble to get off before the doors closed. Unable to disentangle themselves, they stumbled down the hall to their suite and fell inside as soon as someone’s hand succeeded in swiping the key card correctly. They let the door swing shut behind them and headed straight for the bed and leaving a trail of clothing in their wake.

Justin fell back on the bed and Brian was on top of him in a second. Brian’s mouth was everywhere, kissing Justin’s neck, ears, chest and periodically returning to his mouth to invade it with his tongue. Brian had succeeded in relieving Justin of all of his clothes except his socks and Justin’s hands were frantically trying to get Brian’s underwear to join the rest of his clothes on the floor. Brian paused long enough to cooperate in the efforts and even helped Justin get his socks off.

Returning his attention to devouring his favorite twink, Brian kissed his way down Justin’s chest until it reached its destination. Justin was desperate for Brian to take his cock in his mouth. “Brian, please,” he pleaded.

Brian raised his head enough to see Justin’s needy expression. “Oh, Sonny boy, I’ve barely begun. I’d suggest you settle in for the ride.” Justin groaned loudly and thrust his hips upward as if to show Brian what he wanted.

Brian grinned teasingly before taking Justin’s swollen and dripping cock into his mouth and sucking hard on the tip. After he had sucked the precum out of the slit, he opened his mouth and took the entire length in. Relaxing his throat, he pulled Justin farther inside and swallowed around his dick. Justin tried to keep from thrusting farther into Brian’s mouth and choking him. He panted away the urge and reached his hands over his head to grasp the pillow. Brian hummed as he bobbed his head up and down over Justin’s cock. He could feel the tension building in his blond lover and slowly pulled off. “That what you wanted?”

Justin attempted to growl but it came out more pathetic than menacing. His desire radiated off of him in waves and hung heavy in the air. “Brian, please. I need you to fuck me. Now.”

Brian rolled him over, slid a pillow under his hips and settled himself between Justin’s legs. “Eventually, my dear boy. But not yet. I have other plans for you first.” Brian slid his hands up the backs of Justin’s thighs to that perfectly shaped butt. He cupped a cheek in each hand and kneaded the soft flesh while kissing and licking his way to Justin’s puckered hole. He licked the length of Justin’s crack before swirling his tongue around the opening.

Justin was quickly becoming mindless under the ministrations of Brian’s tongue. He was powerless to control the string of whimpers and squeaks that filled the air. He felt Brian’s tongue push into him, pull out and then thrust back in, establishing a torturous rhythm.

_Justin was making those sounds again, Brian thought._ If possible, his dick got even harder with each new sound that Justin produced. Suspecting that the horny blond under him was getting too close, Brian pulled back and kissed his way up Justin’s back. His tongue traced the outline of Justin’s ear as he whispered huskily, “You’re being such a patient boy. I’ll have to make sure you get a nice reward for that.” Justin sighed in relief and his breath quickened. Brian chuckled, “But not yet.”

He felt Brian reach over to the nightstand for the lube and a condom. But his frustration returned as Brian lay the condom aside and lubed several fingers. Since Justin was already loosened from being rimmed, Brian slid two fingers into his lover in one quick motion. Justin arched his back and gasped at the penetration. Brian wriggled his fingers and thrust them in and out of that tight, hot channel. Justin rocked his body in response while rubbing his cock on the pillow under his hips at the same time. Brian crooked his finger and nudged at Justin’s prostate, eliciting a moan from the writhing man. He kept up the barrage, alternating between finger fucking him and stimulating his prostate. Again sensing that Justin was close, Brian pulled out and stroked Justin’s legs, pulling him back from the brink of orgasm.

Justin grunted and pleaded, “Brian, I need to come. Please.” It was so maddening – he had been so close only to have the plug pulled. He rutted harder against the pillow under him, desperately seeking his release.

Brian grabbed his hips and pinned his body to the bed. “No, you don’t. I promise you’ll get to come. But, not yet.” Brian shifted his weight off of Justin and pulled him to his knees. Justin heard the rip of the condom wrapper only seconds before he felt Brian’s cock sliding into him in one long thrust. Justin groaned loudly at the sudden stretch and barely had time to adjust before Brian began pumping into him in hard strokes.

“I’m going to fuck you so hard you won’t be able move tomorrow without remembering this,” Brian growled. He knew that he was tormenting Justin and he also knew that he needed to be in complete control, at least for a short time. Starting tomorrow morning, he would have very little control over his body and his surroundings for awhile. Right now he needed to have the little bit of control that he could and he knew that Justin was willing to give him that power tonight. He could decide how hard to fuck Justin and when he got to come. He was in charge, on top. This was typical pain management, Brian Kinney style. He was used to drinking, snorting and fucking away stress, although the first two probably weren’t a good idea tonight.

Through his fog of arousal, Justin realized what was going on, that Brian needed it rough tonight. It didn’t happen often but they had been together long enough to read each other pretty well, at least in bed. Justin sensed that Brian needed total control of this and he let him have it. And he had an inkling that he knew why. So much in Brian’s life was going to be out of his control tomorrow that he needed to fuck Justin hard and fast to combat some of the powerlessness that he was starting to feel.

Brian drove into Justin’s ass, withdrawing almost completely and then burying his cock to the hilt on each stroke. Justin did his best to brace himself against the onslaught. Every time either of them got close to coming, Brian slowed down or stopped until the urge passed and then continued where he left off. After what seemed like hours but was probably only 20 minutes, Justin’s mind and body had pretty much short-circuited and he was continuously begging for Brian to let him come.

Brian shortened his strokes and adjusted his angle to pound into Justin’s prostate. Then he leaned over and bit down hard on Justin’s neck where it joined his shoulder. Justin threw back his head and cried out. Brian licked away the pain and whispered, “Come for me. I want to hear you scream.” It took a minute for the words to cut through the haze of Justin’s consciousness before he was able to finally give into the sensations that he had been battling. The pressure quickly redlined and, with a loud cry, Justin came harder than he ever remembered. The orgasm was so intense that his body convulsed with the aftershocks for another minute.

Brian felt Justin’s climax roll through his body and gave into his own avalanche of ecstasy. “Justin…uh…oh fuck…yes,” Brian’s body shook with the explosion and he collapsed, gasping, on top of Justin.

After disposing of the condom and cleaning up as best as they could, both men crawled into bed, deciding by mutual unspoken agreement that an early night was in order considering what time they had to be at the hospital the next morning. They both fell asleep quickly, sated from their lovemaking.

It was a few hours later when Justin rolled over to find Brian’s side of the bed empty. He sat up and saw Brian standing at the window. He had pulled on a t-shirt and sweatpants and was smoking a cigarette. Justin slid on a robe and joined his lover, wrapping his arms around Brian’s waist from behind and leaning his head between Brian’s shoulder blades. He didn’t say anything but he could feel the tension in Brian’s body. Justin was pretty sure he knew why, that tomorrow’s surgery had Brian rattled more than he would admit. He also knew that Brian probably wouldn’t talk to him about it so it was pointless to press him. Brian needed to work this out and Justin figured that the best way to help was just to be present for him – here at this moment, tomorrow at the hospital, next week when he received the biopsy results, the next few weeks as he recovered…forever if he could.

Brian looked out over the city as he stood at the window. He wasn’t sure why he had woken up. He couldn’t imagine that he was worried about the surgery itself. He’d never had surgery, at least not as an adult. His tonsils had been removed when he was a kid, but he barely remembered that. Besides, the doctor had said that it was pretty simple surgery. He supposed it was just the idea that it was cancer. The big C. He knew that the odds were in his favor. Hopefully, they were catching it early and the surgery would get all of it. But the ‘what if’ always lingered in the back of his mind. Would he be willing to face chemo, losing his hair and puking his guts out only to die wasted and diseased anyway? Did he have the strength to fight it or would it be better to leave the world while he was still young, beautiful and strong?

No, that wasn’t the whole reason that he couldn’t sleep. It was the knowledge that tomorrow they were going to cut out one of his testicles, his ball, his nut. Brian Kinney would no longer have balls, just ball singular. He would be half-way to being a eunuch, half a man. Oh yeah, he’s have his silicone implant in its place and it would probably fool a trick. But, there was one person who would know the truth. Justin would always know about the piece of plastic where his ball used to be, should be. Would he be repulsed by it, avoid touching it?

As if on cue, he felt Justin against his back and his arms slide around his waist. He fought the urge to push him away, both right now and forever. How had he let his meticulously laid out plans get so fucked up that Justin was standing here? He knew that the doctor had assured him that his sexual performance wouldn’t be affected but what if he was wrong? When you start messing with the wiring and plumbing down there, who knew what might be affected. Justin had said that he would stay with Brian no matter what. But what if their unbelievable sex last night turned out to be their last? How long would he stay then? Sure, he’d stay for awhile out of pity. He’d call it love but it would just be pity. Knowing Justin, he’d even try to stay ‘faithful’ even though they had never made that kind of a commitment to each other. After awhile, though, he’d start getting his needs met elsewhere, sneaking around at first, then openly. Finally, he would drop all pretense and just leave. So, why not just push him away first? Brian sighed. Too late for that now. Justin was here and he’d just have to take things as they came and figure it out as he went along.

They stood together for awhile, each lost in his own thoughts, until Brian reached down and put out the cigarette in the ashtray on the windowsill. He reached back and pulled Justin around to his front. Justin again wrapped his arms around Brian’s waist and hugged him tightly for a minute before tilting his head up and resting his chin on Brian’s broad chest. Brian looked down and they stared into each other’s eyes, blue and hazel communicating their feelings for each other wordlessly. Eventually, Brian leaned down, kissed his partner and walked them both back to bed.


	5. Chapter 5

The alarm woke them both at the ungodly time of 5:00. They showered together, trading slippery hand jobs, although it was more an issue of relief from morning hard-ons than from real passion. They didn’t eat since Brian’s pre-op instructions hadn’t allowed him to eat or drink after ten the previous night. They dressed in silence and Brian was getting his jacket when Justin stopped him.

“Brian, I love you. Whatever happens, I’ll be there with you. You can tell me to back off if I’m fussing too much but don’t push me away. Let me help you. I know you are worried, even if you won’t talk about it and I understand that. I’m your partner and I’m not going anywhere.” He pulled Brian down into an embrace, which Brian returned after a moment’s hesitation. Reluctantly releasing each other, they shared a deep kiss. Justin pulled back and looked up into Brian’s eyes, searching for some acknowledgement. Brian looked at him for a long moment before closing his eyes and nodding once.

They let go to grab their coats and head out of the hotel, arriving at the hospital a few minutes after 6:00. Since most of the paperwork had been completed the previous day, Brian just had to sign a consent form before he and Justin were taken to his room upstairs. On the way up, the nurse introduced herself as Lisa. “I’ll be your day nurse.” She turned to Justin. “Would you like me to show you to the waiting room?”

“Could I stay with Brian in his room until he leaves for surgery?”

“It is up to Brian but I don’t see any reason why not.”

Brian immediately spoke up, “Justin is my partner as well as my power of attorney. I would like him to stay if he’s allowed to.”

Lisa looked a bit surprised but quickly smiled. “Of course. He can stay with you until you are taken up to the surgical floor and then join you in your room after recovery. Justin, while Brian is in surgery, you may want to get something to eat in the cafeteria. It’s on the second floor, down the hall from the gift shop.”

When they arrived at Brian’s room, Lisa fastened his hospital ID bracelet on his wrist and motioned to a hospital gown lying folded on the bed. “Please take off all your clothes and put this on. You can put your clothes in this bag,” handing him a large plastic shopping-style bag. “I’ll be back shortly to start your pre-op prep.”

Justin made himself comfortable in the chair in the corner while Brian changed and stowed his clothes. He’d brought his sketch pad and a book that he had to read for one of his classes. He didn’t really think he’d be able to concentrate on reading but he didn’t want to fall too far behind in his classes.

“You know, you look hot in that gown. I think Armani should incorporate that style into its new spring collection,” Justin smirked.

“Fuck you,” Brian glared as he lay down on the bed. “This bed is fucking uncomfortable and can’t they get any real pillows? There’s no way that I’ll be able to get any sleep.”

“Well, this isn’t the Hilton and you aren’t here to wallow in luxury. I think you can handle it for one night.”

Brian was about to make a sarcastic reply when the nurse returned wheeling a cart. “Brian, I’m here to start your pre-op preparation. Before I begin, do you have any questions?”

“How soon after surgery can I see Brian?” Justin asked.

“The surgery takes about an hour and then he should be in recovery for about an hour but we don’t allow visitors in the recovery room. After he’s awake and his vital signs are stable, he’ll be brought back here.”

Lisa continued, “First, I need to verify that you’ve consumed nothing by mouth since midnight.”

“That’s correct,” Brian confirmed.

“And that you have no known allergies.” Brian shook his head.

“I’m going to start an IV line” Lisa turned to the cart to get the IV supplies. She hung the bag of fluid on the pole next to the bed and unwound the tubing. Next, she pulled a stool to the edge of the bed and quickly found a vein, swabbed his arm and inserted the needle. Brian hardly reacted since was used to regular blood tests for HIV.

After the IV line had been taped down and hooked up, Lisa lifted a razor and shaving cream from the cart. “Now I need to shave your pubic area. Would you rather Justin step outside?”

“There’s nothing on my body that he hasn’t already seen hundreds of times.” Brian looked nervously at the razor. “Do you have to shave it all?”

“No, just the left side.” She saw Brian’s expression. “Don’t worry – I do this all the time. I promise I’ll be careful.” In a few minutes it was over and Lisa was wiping off the remainder of the shaving cream. Brian and Justin both let out breaths that neither realized that they were holding. Brian glanced down at his groin. Thankfully, there was no sign of blood. He did look a little bald on one side, but at least it would grow back. Justin peered over for a closer look. He raised his eyebrow slightly but made no comment. He didn’t want to be too crude in front of the nurse and he didn’t know how sensitive Brian might be about it.

After Lisa put away the shaving cream and razor, she turned to Brian. “I need to insert a Foley catheter into your bladder.”

Brian grimaced. “Is that really necessary?”

Lisa nodded sympathetically. “It’s needed to keep your bladder empty so that it doesn’t get in the way of the surgery.”

Justin interrupted, “Brian, I had one when I was in the hospital after the bashing and it wasn’t that bad. Of course, I wasn’t awake when they put it in, but I hardly felt it while it was in. It just felt a little weird when they took it out.”

Justin’s reassurance hardly diminished Brian’s reluctance. “How long does it have to stay in,” he asked with a look of distaste on his face.

“As soon as you are out of recovery, the catheter will probably be removed.” Lisa pulled up the stool and laid the supplies on the bed as Brian watched with growing anxiety. While she was getting ready, Justin moved over and sat on the bed next to Brian. He angled his body across Brian’s chest so that he blocked Brian’s view of what the nurse was doing. “Don’t watch,” Justin said softly. “Just concentrate on me.”

Justin realized that Brian’s reaction was not based on fear - Brian wasn’t a wimp. He knew that it was the relinquishment of control that was bothering Brian. Brian always needed to feel in charge, on top. This entire situation, the cancer, the surgery itself, all these procedures and tubes and now his most basic bodily function, was out of his control. Because he knew Brian so well, Justin could see the imperceptible signs that Brian was starting to lose it and he needed Justin to ground him. Justin just kept looking into his eyes and gently running his fingers through Brian’s hair. He knew the gesture always soothed Brian when he was stressed out. He flinched a bit when the cold Betadine solution was swabbed on his penis. “It’s cold.”

“It’ll heat up,” Justin answered with a smile, sharing their private joke about their first time together.

Suddenly, Brian gasped and his right hand flew out to grab Justin’s arm. “Just relax, Brian. Deep breaths,” Lisa instructed. “The catheter is almost in. I know it feels strange but it will be over in just another minute.”

Justin took Brian’s hand in his and encouraged him to take several deep breaths. Finally, Lisa announced, “All finished. You doing okay, Brian?” She taped the tubing to his right leg and gathered up the rest of the supplies.

“As well as can be expected with a tube in my dick.” He snuck a peak and then looked at Justin. “Well, I guess that means no quickie before surgery, huh?” Justin blushed when Lisa looked up at the remark and smiled.

Brian glared at Lisa. “Are you all done with me now?”

“Almost,” She held up a filled syringe. “Just have to administer your anesthesia pre-medication. This has to go into your hip so I need you to roll over onto your side.”

Brian grumbled but finally turned his side facing Justin. Lisa swabbed the side of his hip and then plunged the needle deep into the muscle. “Shit! That hurts,” Brian exclaimed, grabbing a fist full of pillow.

“I know. That’s a really unpleasant shot.” She withdrew the needle and swabbed the injection site. “You can roll back over now.” Lisa got Brian settled and raised the side rails on the bed. “The medication will relax you and make you drowsy so you should not try to get out of bed. These rails need to stay up. If you need anything, just ring the call button.” She looked at her watch. “The orderly should be coming to take you to surgery in about 20 minutes.” Lisa smiled at the pair. “I’ll see you in a couple of hours.”

“Thank you,” Justin answered as the nurse wheeled the cart out of the room.

Justin turned his attention back to Brian. “How are you holding up?” he inquired softly.

“I fucking hate all these tubes. I feel like a science experiment.”

“That’s understandable.” Justin wanted to sit on the bed next to Brian, to be as close as he could for as long as possible but he couldn’t with the rails up and he knew that Brian didn’t want to be fussed over anyway. That was a condition of his accompanying Brian to the hospital. So he just sat awkwardly in the chair next to the bed. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t cry in front of Brian, that he would keep the tears at bay until he went up to surgery. However, seeing him laying on the hospital bed, Justin was suddenly having trouble keeping his composure. He looked away so Brian wouldn’t see his glassy eyes.

“Come over here,” Brian whispered. “You’re too far away.”

Justin sniffled and moved over to the bed, leaning over the rail. Brian took Justin’s hand in his. “Hey, you’re turning into a lesbian twat. It’s okay. I’ll be back in here before you know it, bitching at the nurses and complaining about the food.”

“You’d better or I’ll kick your sorry, old ass,” Justin threatened.

“Who are you calling old, sonny boy?” Brian glowered. His face softened. “You didn’t get any breakfast.” Justin shrugged. “Don’t give me that,” Brian scolded. “As soon as I leave to go up to surgery, promise me that you’ll go eat. Promise?”

“Okay,” Justin agreed. He noticed that Brian was starting to look drowsy and unfocused. The medication must be taking effect. He stroked Brian’s cheek, hearing the rasp of the stubble. Brian had opted not to shave this morning, a rarity for him. Justin leaned over and tenderly kissed Brian’s lips and Brian responded in kind. It was as if they wanted to distill all their feelings and fears into that gentle action. They kissed and nuzzled each other for several minutes.

All too soon, they were interrupted by a male voice. “Brian Kinney?”

“Yeah,” Brian mumbled as he disengaged from Justin.

“My name is George and I’m going to be taking you up to surgery now.” He helped Brian onto the gurney and transferred his IV to the attached pole.

As he started to wheel the gurney out of the room, Brian suddenly reached out his hand. “Justin…” he started. “I…I……” Justin knew how hard it was for him to say the words that he obviously felt so Justin met him halfway. “I know, Brian. I love you too.” Brian relaxed and said, “Later.”

“Later,” Justin replied, bending down to kiss Brian. He watched as Brian was wheeled down the corridor and through the swinging doors. At last, he let go of the reins holding back his tears.

+++++++++

In the operating room, under the glaring white lights, Brian could feel cold antiseptic as the nurse cleaned his groin area. Another nurse stuck heart monitors to his chest and clipped a pulse-ox meter to his finger. The anesthesiologist placed a mask over his nose and mouth and fastened the band behind his head. “Okay Mr. Kinney. Relax and count backward from ten,” the nurse instructed.

“Ten….nine” Brian looked around him as if to burn this memory into his brain.

“Eight...seven” His last thought before the blackness closed in….Justin.


	6. Chapter 6

Justin allowed himself a few minutes to cry uninterrupted before pulling himself together and heading for the cafeteria. He wasn’t really hungry but he’d promised Brian that he would eat. He looked at his watch. It was 7:20 – surgery was scheduled for 7:30, if things were running on time. He wanted to make sure to be back upstairs by 8:30 in case there was any news or update when surgery ended.

The cafeteria was crowded since it was prime breakfast time. Opting for a muffin and coffee, he sat down at a table by himself and watched the people in the cafeteria. Most of them were doctors, nurses and other miscellaneous medical personnel. There were a few “civilians,” but since it wasn’t general visiting hours, he was in the minority. The food was passable for hospital fare and Justin finished quickly.

Next, Justin headed outside to a small garden area in front of the hospital and pulled out Brian’s cigarettes. He and Brian had stopped there this morning while Brian smoked one last time to calm himself before they headed inside. Although Justin didn’t often smoke, he did occasionally indulge when he was drinking or really stressed and this morning certainly qualified under the latter. Brian had handed over his pack for “safe keeping” but Justin knew that Brian was anticipating his own need to relieve stress.

The cigarette did help settle his nerves a bit but he was having trouble keeping his mind off what was happening to Brian upstairs. Although Justin wasn’t a particularly religious person, he found himself praying to whoever was listening that Brian would be okay. It wasn’t that he was really afraid that he wouldn’t make it. The surgery was very simple and recovery was expected to be fairly quick and uneventful. It wasn’t even the results from the biopsy that he was dreading – they both knew that the chances were very high that it was cancer and they had already reconciled themselves to that reality.

No, Justin was worried about the effect that all this would have on Brian. He already saw how difficult it was for his partner to submit to all the hospital procedures, even the surgery itself. Brian needed to feel in control and this was one time when he most definitely wasn’t. Justin was concerned about Brian feeling helpless and shutting down, just as he tried to do two days ago at Kinnetik.

There was another aspect that concerned Justin as well. It wasn’t just any cancer. It was testicular cancer. Of all the varieties to get and Brian Kinney had to get that one. He was lucky that it was one that had a very high chance of survival with early detection. But this one really hit home for Brian. Every guy is protective of the “family jewels” and would be scared of something happening to them but Brian Kinney isn’t most guys. With all the blow-jobs that he had and the fucking he’s done, Justin didn’t doubt that Brian had some of the most fondled balls in Pittsburgh, if not the state of Pennsylvania. He was Brian fucking Kinney, Pittsburgh’s uber top. Now he would have a prosthetic ball and even if no one else could tell, Brian would know. And Brian would know that Justin knew. It made no difference to Justin – he still loved Brian and didn’t care how many balls he had. Brian would still be the sexiest man that Justin could ever imagine.

However, this wasn’t about him, it was about Brian and how this affected him. The doctor had reassured him that his fertility and sexual performance would not be affected. Though he had no interest in the former, at least not anymore, he would be devastated if the latter were impaired. Nearly his entire ego was tied up with his ability to fuck anyone, anytime and anyplace he chose. If that were taken away, Justin doubted that Brian would be able to handle it. Justin tried to put that idea out of his mind. If that nightmare became a reality, he’d figure out how to deal with Brian.

Justin had long since finished his cigarette and he lingered a few minutes enjoying the cold air. He knew that he wouldn’t leave the hospital building for the rest of the day after Brian got back to his room. He wished that he could talk to someone but Brian had been adamant that no one know where they really were. Justin didn’t think he had ever felt so alone in his life. Glancing at his watch, he saw that it was 8:25. Time to head upstairs and wait for news.

After he arrived back on the patient floor, Justin decided to hang out in the waiting room. If the doctor or nurse came looking for him, it would probably be the first place they’d look and he didn’t want to miss anything. He’d only been trying to focus on some 6 month old news magazine for a few minutes when he heard someone call his name. He looked up to see a man in blue scrubs holding a chart. “I’m Justin Taylor,” he answered as he stood up and hurried over. “Is Brian okay?”

“I’m Dr. Shannon,” he held out his hand and Justin shook it. “I’m one of the surgical residents and I assisted at Mr. Kinney’s surgery. Everything went well and he’s doing fine. He’s in recovery now. As soon as he’s awake and stable, he’ll be brought back to his room.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Justin thanked him. “That’s great news.”

“Good luck,” Dr. Shannon said as he headed back down the hall.

Justin hung around in the waiting room, hoping to distract himself with a magazine or the inane show on the television. He didn’t realize that he’d dozed off until Lisa’s hand on his shoulder jolted him awake.

“Sorry – didn’t mean to startle you. I thought you might want to know that Brian was just brought up and he’s asking for you,” Lisa smiled.

Still groggy from his little nap, Justin stammered, “Thanks for letting me know.” He picked up his jacket and headed to Brian’s room. As he entered Brian’s room, he was immediately greeted by the sight of his partner vomiting into a plastic basin. Justin rushed over and grabbed a small towel to hand to Brian. When the episode had passed, Justin went into the bathroom, wet a washcloth with cool water and sat down on the bed next to Brian.

“I guess I don’t have to ask how you feel.”

Brian leaned back against the pillows and closed his eyes as Justin took the bowl and set it aside. He took the washcloth and laid it on Brian’s forehead. “I feel like shit,” he snarled. “I fucking hate this.”

“I know, Brian. Are you in any pain?”

“Yeah, some. It really hurts when I puke. It’s only dry heaves but the movement pulls on the stitches.”

At that moment Lisa walked in carrying a tray. “How are you doing, Brian?” she asked, setting the tray on the bed table.

“Shitty. I’d be a lot better if I wasn’t puking my guts out while hoping that I don’t tear open my stitches,” he snapped.

Justin spoke up. “What’s causing it? Can’t you give him something to stop it?”

“It is a common reaction to the anesthesia. The resident in recovery posted the order for Compazine right before you were transferred back down here and I’ve got it right here.” She motioned to the tray. “I need you to turn over onto your side.”

“Another needle in my ass?”

“Nope, just a suppository.” Lisa started moving the bed table out of the way.

Brian looked at her for a moment and then shrugged. “I don’t give a fuck where you stick it as long as it stops me from puking.”

Justin looked a little uncomfortable. “Do you want me to leave, Brian?”

“No, Sunshine, you stay put. You’ve had your fingers in my ass enough times – maybe you can give her a few pointers.” Lisa bit back a laugh as Justin blushed a deep red. Well, at least the old Brian was still there, even if he was a little worse for the wear.

Brian hissed in pain as Lisa helped him turn over. She pulled on a pair of gloves, lubed a couple fingers and carefully picked up the bullet shaped suppository. Then she sat down on the bed behind Brian, separated his cheeks and started to insert the medicine into his rectum. He tensed for a second at the intrusion but then relaxed to allow her to push it in a couple inches. Lisa pulled off her gloves and then gently eased Brian onto his back. Justin adjusted the pillow behind his lover’s head and arranged the covers over his body.

“You should start to feel better in about 20-30 minutes. The Compazine will make you drowsy so I would advise trying to sleep if you can. How is the pain? The doctor posted an order for Demerol if you need it.”

“Yeah, I’d probably better. I’m not sure I can sleep otherwise.”

“I’ll go get it and be right back.” Lisa picked up the tray and left the room. She returned a moment later with a syringe and injected the drugs directly into Brian’s IV. “You should have some relief in a few minutes. I can give you another dose in 4 hours if you need it.”

Brian nodded and closed his eyes.

“Fine. Just press the call button if you need anything.” Lisa placed the call button on the bed next to Brian and left.

Justin stared at Brian’s closed eyes for a moment and then turned to sit down in the chair. Without moving or opening his eyes, Brian whispered, “come here.” Justin sat down next to Brian and took his hand. Brian opened his eyes and gazed at his blond partner.

“I hate having you see me like this,” he motioned at himself. “I’m so fucking helpless.”

“I know, and I’ve told you that it doesn’t change how I feel about you. You’ll get out of here and soon be fucking every hot new guy that arrived in Pittsburgh while you were recovering. Are you feeling better yet?”

“No. I feel like I’ve run a marathon and then been stabbed with a machete.”

Justin winced. “That’s why you are going to get some rest. Hopefully the pain meds will help. You should be feeling pretty good soon. Can I get anything else for you? Another blanket?”

“Stop fussing over me. This is why I didn’t want you here.” He sighed. “I’m going to sleep. Might as well get my money’s worth out of these luxurious accommodations.”

Justin kissed him gently. “I think that sounds like a good idea. I wish that I could join you.”

The older man smiled at the thought. “You’re just going to sit there and watch me sleep?”

“Right here,” Justin reassured him.  



	7. Chapter 7

Brian woke up a couple hours later. It took him a few seconds to realize where he was and the pain in his groin confirmed his conclusion when he tried to shift to get more comfortable.

Justin looked up from his sketchpad and smiled. “Well, good morning to you. How do you feel?”

“Like shit, how else? How long was I asleep?”

“A little more than 2 hours. It’s close to 12:30. I just got back from the cafeteria,”

“Make yourself useful and see if you can get me something to drink,” Brian ordered.

Justin pressed the call button on the bed table. “Do you think you can keep something down?”

“We’ll find out soon enough.” Brian tried to get more comfortable but found moving too difficult between the tubes and his stitches. He pounded his fist into the bed. “Fuck! I fucking hate being an invalid. I can’t even get up to take a piss.”

Lisa appeared just then. “I see you’re awake. How do you feel?”

“I wish everyone would stop asking me that. I feel like shit. If that state of affairs changes, I’ll let you know,” Brian huffed and looked away.

Justin ignored Brian’s outburst. “Can he have something to drink?”

“Sure, I’ll get some ice water. I’d take it easy at first - small drinks until we see if your stomach is completely settled.”

Brian turned to glare at her. “When can I get this tube out of my dick? Pissing in a bag is getting old.”

“I think that it can come out now but let me check with the doctor. I’ll be right back with your ice water.”

Lisa returned quickly with a styrofoam cup and straw. “Remember, don’t drink it all at once. I doubt you want to start vomiting again.”

“Yes, mother,” Brian answered sarcastically.

“The doctor says that your catheter can come out. Do you want me to that now?” Brian nodded. “Okay, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Ignoring the straw, Brian took a long drink. Justin started to protest, but one look from his lover silenced the reminder to drink slowly.

Lisa was back about 10 minutes later carrying a tray. She pulled up the stool to sit next to the bed and folded the sheet down. It took her only a minute to get the tube disconnected and the tape removed from his leg, amidst loud exclamations from the patient. “I’m going to remove the catheter now. It will feel strange as it comes out so be prepared. Ready?”

Brian nodded. “Deep breath now.” Brian filled his lungs. “Let it out slowly.” As he exhaled, Lisa pulled the catheter from his body.

“Holy shit,” he choked. “It felt like you just pulled my intestines out through my dick.” He checked to make sure his suspicion wasn’t a reality. His cock looked like it had survived the ordeal.

“I want to warn you that it will burn a bit the first couple times that you urinate. That’s normal – just some irritation from the catheter tube.” Lisa gathered up the used supplies. “Don’t try to get out of bed by yourself, though. Please ring for me and I’ll assist you. You might be dizzy from the anesthesia and fall. How is the pain?”

“It isn’t too bad. The Demerol helped.” Brian closed his eyes. “When can you get this tube out of my arm?”

“I’ll check, but I suspect that the doctor will want to leave it in until right before you leave. You need the fluid, especially since you were vomiting. Let me know if you need anything else.” Lisa smiled then turned to head out of the room.

“Thanks,” Justin called after her. He turned to Brian. “Wasn’t that the weirdest feeling when she pulled out the catheter? I couldn’t even describe it when they removed mine. Sorta…bizarre.”

“Yeah, well. I’m just happy to be rid of it.” Brian opened one eye. “Now you can blow me.”

“I can’t believe that you are thinking about sex right now. Wait, I take that back. I’d be surprised if there was ever a time when you weren’t thinking about sex. But I’m not going to blow you.”

“Figures. And here I thought you’d make yourself useful if I let you come with me.”

Justin leaned over and kissed him deeply. “That’s as good as you get today.”

“Twat.”

The pair passed the rest of the afternoon with Justin reading and sketching, Brian alternately napping and flipping channels on the TV. Lisa stopped by in the early afternoon to give Brian another dose of Demerol.

It was almost 5:00 when there was a knock at the door. Before either man could respond, Dr. Rabinowitz came into the room. He introduced himself to Justin and asked Brian how he was feeling.

“Like shit,” Brian responded honestly.

The doctor smiled at the response as he sat down beside the bed and uncovered the incision. He gently examined the site, producing a loud hiss and a grimace from Brian before replacing the bandage. He then probed Brian’s left scrotal sac and manipulated the prosthesis. “This area may also be tender for awhile. That’s normal but if it becomes very painful and inflamed, call my office.

Finished with his exam, he continued, “The surgery was pretty textbook. It appears to be a seminoma, as I suspected. I sent the testicle to pathology along with some biopsies of the surrounding tissue. We should have the results in about 3 days. If the biopsies are clean, then we can be fairly confident that we removed all of the malignant tissue, assuming, of course, that the tumor is malignant. When you come in for the results, we can remove the stitches and discuss follow-up care.”

“What do you mean, ‘follow-up care’?” Justin inquired.

“If we removed all of the affected tissue, Brian should only need to go through a radiation series. But if the biopsies are not clean, we should consider chemotherapy as well.”

Justin swallowed hard and nodded. This was all so overwhelming.

“When can I get out of here?”

Dr. Rabinowitz made some notes in Brian’s chart. “I see no reason why you can’t be discharged tomorrow morning. I’d like you to remain overnight to be sure that you are keeping some food down and watch the incision for signs of infection. I know that you are from Pittsburgh. Will you traveling back tomorrow?”

Brian shook his head. “No, we have a hotel suite for the next week. We’ll hang out there until we come in for the results and you take out the stitches. Then we’ll head home.”

“Wise choice. You need to take it easy. I hope you let this charming young man take care of you.”

“He’d like nothing better than to play nursemaid.” Brian rolled his eyes at the thought.

“I’m serious. You do need to take it easy. No strenuous activity of any kind. And no sex for at least a week,” the doctor admonished. “Specifically, I mean no ejaculation. The tissues have been traumatized and need time to heal.”

Brian looked like he would have committed hari-kari if he could have found a sword. “A week. I think it’ll shrivel up and fall off if it is neglected that long,” Brian complained. “I know I haven’t gone that long without sex, or at least jacking off, since I was 15.” He looked over at Justin and smirked, “You hear that, Sunshine? Your favorite sex toy is out of commission for awhile.”

Justin blushed. “Brian, I’m sure Dr. Rabinowitz didn’t need to hear that.”

The physician smiled and patted Brian’s knee. “There’s not much I haven’t heard. I have every confidence that both of you will survive.” He stood and shook both their hands. “I’ll be back tomorrow morning to check on things before you leave.”

“Thanks, doc,” Brian replied as the doctor left.

A short while later, Lisa stopped by to tell them that she was going off shift soon and did they need anything?

“Some food would be nice. I’m starving.”

“Hunger is a good sign. Dinner should be arriving shortly. Katie will be your night nurse – she’ll be in later to check on you. I’ll be back in tomorrow morning at 6:00. See you then.”

It wasn’t long until the dinner service started. Brian’s consisted of clear soup, toast and jello. “I’m not eating this shit,” Brian declared. “Go get me something edible.”

“I’m not sure what you are allowed to have, but I can check with the nurse.” Justin headed to the nurse’s station down the hall.

Justin located Katie and inquired about getting Brian some different food. She followed him back to Brian’s room. “Good evening, Brian. What seems to be the problem?”

“I can’t eat this. I want some real food.” Brian pushed the bed table away from him.

“Mr. Kinney, you’ve been vomiting and we need to be sure that your stomach is completely settled. If you can keep this down tonight, you can have something more appetizing tomorrow. But we can’t discharge you unless and until you are able to keep solid food down. And I’m sure you don’t want to enjoy our hospitality any longer than you have to.

“You got that right.”

“Okay then.” She pushed the bed table back in front of Brian. “Let’s see how much of this you can eat. When you are finished, I’ll be back to help you get out of bed. I’m sure you’d like to stretch your legs and visit the bathroom.”

Brian picked at his food but managed to force down enough to satisfy Katie. She removed the tray and returned. She swung the bed table out of the way and pushed the bed covers aside. “Okay, Brian. Time to get up.” She helped him swing his legs over the side, trying not to jostle the stitches. When his feet were on the floor, she took his arm and steadied him as he stood. “Nice and slow. Do you feel lightheaded?”

“Not much…just stiff from lying around all day.” Brian stretched his long body. “Where are we heading?”

“Just to the bathroom.” She kept one hand on his arm as he slowly walked the few steps across the room and pulled the IV stand with the other. Once he was inside, she parked the IV stand and then waited just outside the door.

When he was finished, she helped him back to bed and got his IV stand and tubing situated. “Is there anything else that I can get for you? Do you want any pain meds?” Katie inquired, making some notes in Brian’s chart.

“I’m good for now,” Brian replied.

“I’ll be back to check on you later and see if you want anything to help you sleep.”

The evening passed quietly. The two men found a TV show that they could actually agree on, then Brian read a news magazine that Justin had picked up in the waiting room while Justin read some from his textbook for school.

About 9:00, Katie reappeared. “You should probably call it a night, Brian. You need your rest. Do you want some more Demerol?”

“Might not be a bad idea. Having to sleep in such a shitty bed is wrecking havoc with my beauty sleep.” Katie left to get the medicine.

Justin stood up, stuffed his book and sketchpad in his messenger bag and grabbed his coat. “I’ll be back in the morning.” He kissed Brian deeply and nuzzled his cheek. “I love you. Get some sleep.”

Brian nodded, “I will. You have the keys to the ‘vette? You’d better be careful with it. If there’s even a scratch, I’m taking it out on your hide.”

“Promises, promises.” Justin grinned. “Yes, I’ll be careful. Later.”

“Later,” Brian answered as he watched his partner leave.

 


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning, Justin arrived at Brian’s room in time to see Lisa taking out the IV line. Brian smiled as he walked in. “Hey there, Sunshine.”

“Good morning, Brian.” Justin leaned over to kiss his lover, careful to stay out of Lisa’s way. “How was your night?”

“Considering I had to sleep alone in this pathetic excuse for a bed, I barely survived,” he groused. “Supposedly, I got real food for breakfast this morning. I think it is generous to call it food at all, let alone real.”

Lisa finished removing the IV and gathered up the supplies. “Well then, I’m sure you will be happy to know that as soon as Dr. Rabinowitz stops by on his rounds, then you’ll be able to discharge. Probably won’t be for at least an hour yet. Would you like to take a shower?”

Brian flexed his arm, thankful to be free of the restriction. “That sounds good.” He started to get up but Lisa motioned him to stay in bed.

“You may still be a little weak. I’ll page one of the male orderlies to come up and assist you.”

“Make sure he’s hot. I don’t want to have to shower with some troll.”

“I’ll do my best,” Lisa promised with a smile and left the room.

Justin shook his head. “You never stop, do you?”

“Well, you won’t blow me so maybe I’ll have better luck with my shower partner.”

Rolling his eyes, Justin changed the topic. “It seems that your stomach has calmed down. Are you still in pain?”

“Some,” Brian admitted. “But not as bad as yesterday, though. How was your night? Did you eat breakfast?”

“Yes, mother,” Justin mocked. “The suite comes with a great continental breakfast.”

“It should, at the price I’m paying for it. Is my car still in one piece? There’d better not be a scratch on it,” Brian put on his best menacing look.

“Your car is fine. Sometimes I think you love that car more than me.”

“At least I have my priorities straight.” He reached out, pulled Justin over to the bed, and kissed him hungrily, his tongue sliding along Justin’s lips until they parted. With one hand behind Justin’s neck to pull him closer, Brian slid the other hand under Justin’s shirt. Justin sighed into Brian’s mouth and ran his hand up Brian’s arm. Brian’s hand was sliding down Justin’s back and just about to slip under the waistband of his chinos when they were interrupted by a cough. Both men looked up.

An embarrassed young man in gray scrubs was standing in the doorway. “Uh, Brian Kinney?” he inquired.

“Yeah.”

“I’m Will. I’m here to assist you with your shower.” Brian looked him over. The guy was probably mid-twenties, about 5’10, dirty blond hair, brown eyes, nice enough body from what he could see from the scrubs. Not too bad, Brian thought.

Brian gave a satisfactory nod. “You’ll do just fine.” He winked at Justin who only gave him a disgusted “it figures” look. Will helped Brian into the bathroom where he undressed and got into the shower. Justin couldn’t hear the conversation but it sounded like Brian wasn’t pleased with something.

Later, dressed in a t-shirt and loose boxer shorts and smelling of shaving cream and mint toothpaste, Brian finally emerged from the bathroom accompanied by Will. Bypassing the bed, Brian headed for the chair and gingerly eased himself into it with a noticeable wince. Brian glared at Will. “My helper here wouldn’t give me a blow job. He wouldn’t even get into the shower with me. Some help he was.”

Will sighed and shook his head. “I told you Brian, I’m straight and I don’t make it a habit of showering with patients.”

“I said that it didn’t bother me that you were straight and I wouldn’t have told anyone if we showered together,” Brian grumbled.

Justin smiled indulgently. “Don’t mind him. He’s grumpy because he slept alone last night,” he informed Will. “Besides, he’s supposed to abstain for a week. Doctor’s orders.”

Brian fixed his icy stare on Justin while Will chuckled and checked to see that Brian was comfortably settled in the chair before leaving. “Remind me why I allowed you to come with me,” Brian snarked at Justin.

“Because you can’t resist me,” Justin replied matter-of-factly. He wanted to add “because you need me and I want to take care of you” but he knew those words would just turn Brian off. Justin handed him the morning paper that had been delivered to their suite that morning.

“Would you like me to get you a cup of coffee? I saw a kiosk off the lobby that looked like it sold the real stuff, not hospital issue crap.” Justin was craving some more caffeine himself.

“Sure, that sounds good. Maybe I brought you along for a reason after all.” Justin kissed him and headed downstairs.

When Justin returned with 2 coffees, he found Brian back in bed and Dr. Rabinowitz checking his stitches. “Everything seems to be healing well,” the doctor pronounced as he made some notes in Brian’s chart. “No signs of infection. How is the pain?”

“Mostly just when I move but it’s manageable.”

“I’ll have a prescription for pain meds ready when you discharge. That should get you through the next few days. Since you are keeping food down, I see no reason why you can’t leave shortly.” He rose and shook Brian’s and Justin’s hands. “I’ll see you early next week for the biopsy results. Call my office to make an appointment.” He left to continue his rounds.

Justin smiled and handed Brian his coffee. “Well, that’s good news. I’ll bet you’ll be happy to be out of here.”

“You can say that again. Now get the nurse so we can be on our way.”

Justin found the call button and pressed it just as Lisa entered the room. “I’m ready to leave and I finally get decent service,” Brian snorted.

“Patience, Brian. You aren’t leaving immediately. There’s some paperwork to complete and I have to go over your discharge instructions,” Lisa admonished her patient. “One thing I want to mention before I forget. What clothes do you have to wear out of here?”

“Jeans and a shirt, why?” Brian looked confused.

“You might want to consider something looser fitting. Your incision will be tender and jeans won’t be terribly comfortable. Do you have anything back at your hotel room?”

Justin spoke up. “Brian, you brought a pair of sweatpants. I could go get them while you are taking care of last minute details here.”

Brian nodded. “Fine.”

Justin grabbed his coat, kissed his lover and hurried out of the room.

Lisa smiled. “You know, you are lucky to have Justin here with you. I can tell that he really cares about you.”

“He’s annoying as hell but he can be useful sometimes.”

Lisa nodded. “He’ll take good care of you. I’ll be back in awhile with the discharge papers. When Justin returns, I’ll help you get dressed.”

Brian dozed for a short time but woke up when Lisa came back. She handed several forms to him and indicated where his signature was needed. Then she explained the doctor’s discharge instructions as well as information on keeping his stitches dry and clean. “I understand that Dr. Rabinowitz is going to take out your stitches when he meets with you about the biopsy results. Remember to take it easy – no strenuous activity, drink plenty of fluids and rest as much as your body wants. Surgery takes a toll on your body.”

“Yes, mom. Anything else?” Brian rolled his eyes.

“I see you are being your usual charming self,” Justin came in carrying Brian’s gray sweatpants.

Lisa gathered up the papers, leaving Brian’s copies on the tray table. “Right on time. I was just going to help Brian get dressed.”

“I think I’m old enough to dress myself now.”

“I’m going to be here to assist in case you are still weak or dizzy. You don’t want to fall, get a concussion and stay another night, do you?” Lisa asked, knowing that Brian wouldn’t argue that logic.

“Well, when you put it that way.” Justin retrieved the bag of clothes that Brian had shed the previous day. Brian slipped on his shirt. Then he carefully swung his legs over the side of the bed, mindful of his tender groin and Justin helped Brian get his legs into the sweatpants. When he was ready to stand up, Lisa stood on one side and Justin on the other to steady him if necessary. With a loud hiss and an open grimace, Brian stood up and pulled his sweatpants up.

“See, I’m fine.” He sat back down and grabbed his socks. But when he tried to bend down to put them on, a stab of pain shot through his groin, producing a loud, “FUCK.”

“I’ll do it, Brian.” Justin took the socks and knelt on the floor to put them on Brian’s feet.

Brian looked at Justin on his knees and then smirked. “As long as you are down there, you could take care of business.”

“Think again.” Justin finished putting on Brian’s socks and reached for his shoes. “You can ask all you want but it won’t work.” Justin stood up. “It’s for you own good.”

“I’ll page an orderly to bring a wheel chair to take you downstairs. Justin, why don’t you get the car and wait at the patient pick-up area in front,” Lisa instructed.

A short time later, Brian had been gently deposited into the vette and Justin drove them back to the hotel.

Moving slowly, the pair made their way from the front door where they left the car with the valet up to their room. The long walk exhausted Brian and he promptly headed to the bed when they reached the suite. Justin helped him out of his clothes and under the covers.

“Are you hungry? I could order room service,” Justin offered.

“Not really. You go ahead. I’m kinda tired so I’m going to rest for awhile.” Brian’s eyes were already closing. Justin kissed his forehead and pulled the covers a little bit higher.

A couple hours later, Brian stirred and tried to sit up but thought better of it when a stab of pain brought him back to reality. Justin put aside the book he had been reading and carefully joined Brian on the bed.

“How do you feel?” he asked softly as he stroked Brian’s cheek.

“A little better. What time is it?”

“About three. Are you hungry?”

“I could eat a little bit. Did you have lunch?” Brian tried sitting up again, this time with Justin’s assistance and a few loud exclamations.

“A couple hours ago. I ordered some fruit and some other light foods that might be easy on your stomach. Sound good?”

“It certainly can’t be any worse than the hospital crap.”

Justin went over and retrieved one of the room service trays. “Do you want to eat in bed, or move to the table?”

“Much as I’d love to stay in bed, I need to take a piss so I might as well sit at the table.”

Justin helped Brian maneuver out of bed, then stepped aside while Brian slowly and carefully walked into the bathroom. “Let me know if you need any help,” Justin called after him. All he got in reply was a snort of disgust. He set out the food and waited for his lover.

When Brian reappeared, he looked a bit more refreshed, having washed his face and brushed his teeth. He eased himself into a chair and helped himself to a croissant and some strawberries. Justin brought him a bottle of water from the mini fridge and pulled up a chair next to Brian.

“Are you still in much pain? I have the prescription for pain medication from your doctor. I can take it to the pharmacy and have it filled if you want.”

Brian shook his head. “No, that’s not necessary. You could get me a couple Advil from my toiletries kit, though.” Justin found the pills and handed them to Brian.

“Do you want me to order more from room service? Anything else sound good?” Justin was encouraged by Brian’s appetite and his apparently calm stomach.

“No, this was good, thanks. I don’t want to overdo it and start puking again.” He gingerly stood up, wincing several times and made his way back to the bed. Justin helped him get under the covers then crawled in beside him. He laid his head on Brian’s shoulder and gently stroked Brian’s chest. They passed the rest of the afternoon dozing and talking softly.

After ordering room service for dinner, they managed to agree on a movie. Brian fell asleep after an hour but Justin was entertained enough to finish it. Not ready to turn in just yet, Justin pulled out his sketchpad and turned his attention to his favorite subject. He never grew tired of watching Brian sleep or sketching him. Finally satisfied, he set aside his pencil and reached for his cigarettes.

After savoring the first long drag, he contemplated the last two days. Brian had made it through surgery and out of the hospital. That was one hurdle down. Dr. Rabinowitz was optimistic that they’d gotten all the cancer so that was another probable victory. The biopsy results would confirm that. The big question mark was whether the surgery would affect Brian’s sexual performance and it would be awhile before that question could be answered. One thing at a time, Justin reminded himself. He had to make sure that Brian recovered as much as possible before they returned to Pittsburgh. After all, they were supposed to have been in Ibiza. He hated having to lie to everyone, especially the “family” but Brian had been adamant that no one find out. Justin was just thankful that Brian had decided to tell him and agreed to Justin accompanying him to Baltimore and to the hospital. Justin couldn’t even imagine having to go through all of this alone.

Finishing his cigarette, he started getting ready for bed. As he joined his partner in bed, Brian stirred and looked over at Justin. “Bout time you came to bed,” he quipped sleepily.

“If you wanted me in bed, all you had to do was ask,” Justin smiled and winked. Turning serious, he asked if Brian needed to get up to go to the bathroom before they turned in.

“I probably should,” he agreed. Justin gave him a hand and waited until Brian returned and helped him get settled in bed. After some tender kisses, both men fell asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

  
Author's notes: This is the last chapter!  Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope you enjoyed Ibiza.  I've had requests for a sequel or at least some epilogues to check in on the boys after they get back to Pittsburgh so I hope to be able to get those written and posted.  


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A couple hours later, Brian’s sweat drenched body thrashing around beside him awakened Justin. “No… no…. don’t, “Brian cried out. Justin grabbed Brian’s arm and tried to restrain him. Brian jerked and partially sat up. “What….?” He looked around, confused.

Justin put his arms around his lover. “It’s okay, Brian. You’re okay,” he soothed.

Brian looked at him for a long moment before his head cleared and he recognized Justin. “What happened?” he asked as he lay back down with a loud hiss of pain.

“I think you had a nightmare. Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t have nightmares,” Brian answered dismissively. Justin didn’t feel like arguing with Brian by pointing out that he had had nightmares on many occasions. They had been especially bad after the bashing, but he’d also had a few after he lost his job at Vanguard and before he started Kinnetik.

“Okay. I’m here if you change your mind. Can I get you anything?” Justin decided to drop it. Brian wouldn’t talk unless he wanted to and it wasn’t worth an argument. Justin had a pretty good idea what the nightmare was about anyway.

“No, I’m fine. Go back to sleep.” He turned his head away from Justin and closed his eyes, effectively ending the conversation. Justin curled up protectively around Brian’s damp body and hoped that everything would be okay and the nightmares would just go away eventually.

While Justin was able to go back to sleep, Brian remained awake. He didn’t want to close his eyes and see those images again. The paralyzing blackness, the scalpel cutting into his flesh, his bloody diseased testicle being sucked out of his body. Then, everyone pointing and laughing at him in the steam room, at the baths, even in the diner. ‘Look at Kinney. He hasn’t got the balls to be a man.’ Brian shuddered and fought back the urge to scream or run or ingest something. Anything to make the nightmare go away. His eyes stung as he took a deep breath and got himself back under control. Pulling Justin closer, he lay awake for a long while thinking about random stuff, anything other than where his mind wanted to go. Eventually, exhaustion took over and he fell into a deep sleep.

The next few days passed quietly. Brian rested, watched TV and even read part of a book Justin had picked up for him at the bookstore across the street from the hotel. Justin managed to finish the book he had brought for his class and was well into another one that he had found at the same bookstore. Brian desperately wanted to check in with the office and get some work done on his laptop but he was supposed to be in Ibiza. It would look more than a little suspicious to be working instead of enjoying the island paradise.

Every morning and afternoon, Brian got dressed and went on a walk with Justin. At first it was just around the hotel but each day they ventured a little further trying to increase Brian’s stamina. The fresh, cold air was a welcome change after the stale, close atmosphere of the hotel room. His stitches were still tender and he had to move carefully when changing positions but they were bothering him less every day.

One evening, as they were lying on the bed kissing and cuddling (although Brian would never call it such), Brian leaned over to Justin’s ear and whispered, “Did you bring any toys with you, little boy?”

Justin stared at him in surprise for a few seconds before he blushed deeply. “Maybe.”

Brian’s smile was playful. “I thought so. What did you bring?”

“A dildo,” he answered shyly. He felt his dick, half-erect from the kissing, become instantly hard.

“Hmmmm…a nice big one?” Brian ran his hands down Justin’s bare chest, continuing down until he cupped Justin’s swollen package.

Justin gasped and his body broke out in a flush. He could only nod.

“Why don’t you go get it?” Brian bit his earlobe.

Justin swam through the fog of his arousal and regained some of his thought processes. “But Brian, you aren’t supposed to. The doctor said…”

“The doctor said that I wasn’t supposed to have an orgasm. He didn’t say anything about you.”

Frowning, Justin shook his head. “That isn’t fair. If you can’t, why should I?”

“Nonsense. Just because I had surgery is no reason for you to do without. Besides, I want to do this for you. I want to watch your face while I fuck you silly with it.” Brian kissed Justin, his tongue exploring the other man’s mouth until Justin pulled away, breathless. Brian gave him a nudge and he climbed off the bed.

He returned a minute later with a thick black dildo and the bottle of lube. Brian smirked when Justin handed the items to him. “This one’s your favorite, isn’t it? I’ve noticed that you choose it a lot.”

Dropping his pants and underwear onto the floor, Justin stretched out next to Brian. “Yeah, it reminds me of you. It is about the same size and shape.”

Brian tilted his head and pretended to examine the phallus as one would a piece of fine sculpture. “Pretty close, I’d say. Not a bad choice.”

He lay on his side, positioned Justin on his side facing him and pulled the younger man’s top leg over onto his own hip. He covered the dildo with lube and set it aside for the moment. Then he grasped Justin’s steel hard cock with his slick hand and began sliding it up and down the shaft. Justin closed his eyes and moaned at the sensation. “Oh yeah, that feels good.”

Brian stroked him a few more times before he moved his other hand down between Justin’s legs and slipped a lubed finger inside of him. Justin let out a small gasp and pushed back on Brian’s finger. Brian wriggled it around a few times before adding a second one, all the while keeping a steady rhythm going on Justin’s dick. He pumped his fingers in and out of the tight hole until he felt the muscles relax. Brian pulled his face back and watched Justin’s expression as he bent his fingers and massaged Justin’s prostate. Justin’s eyes flew open and his back arched as he let out a short cry. The sensation was like an electric shock starting deep inside him and radiating through his body.

Withdrawing his fingers, Brian picked up the dildo and positioned it against his partner’s tight hole. He leaned in and kissed Justin as he pushed the head inside. Justin groaned into Brian’s mouth and willed his body to relax and accept the penetration. Brian watched his face as the silicone dick slid into his body and he experienced the familiar stretch and slight burn that was a part of anal sex. It wasn’t Brian but it was close enough.

Since he didn’t have the feedback of feeling Justin’s muscles around his dick, Brian had to rely on Justin’s cues to let him know when he was ready. After Justin squirmed and shifted a bit, he whispered, “I’m good,” to let Brian know that he was ready. Keeping his eyes fixed on Justin’s face, Brian started a steady in and out motion with the dildo, slow at first and gradually building in speed and depth. At the same time, he stimulated Justin’s cock, alternating between long strokes and twists of his wrist, with the occasional swipe across the head with his thumb. He purposely didn’t synchronize his hands, keeping Justin maddeningly on edge. Justin’s breathing was just as erratic as he tried to adjust to a rhythm that wasn’t there.

After a couple minutes, Brian angled the dildo to catch Justin’s prostate. Because of his position and the fact that he was one step removed from the process, it took a couple attempts before Brian was rewarded with a loud, “Oh god,” from Justin. Brian continued to hit the sweet spot over and over until Justin threw back his head and cried out, “Brian…uh yeah.”

Leaning down, Brian attacked the pale exposed neck and bit down hard as Justin exploded between them. Brian could feel the contractions of Justin’s ass reverberate along the silicone phallus. Thoroughly spent, Justin lay gasping and boneless for several minutes before looking at Brian and mumbling, “Holy shit.”

Brian smiled. “Liked that, did you, Sunshine? Maybe I should retire my dick in favor of this.” He pulled out the long black dildo.

Justin groaned at the sensation. “Oh no, you don’t. This was an acceptable substitute considering the circumstances but I want the real thing as soon as it is back in commission.” His eyes caught Brian’s and he kissed him gently. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I wish that I could do something for you, though.”

“You’re welcome. No sense in you suffering just because I’m under the weather. But be warned, there will be ample opportunities to pay me back.” He grinned evilly.

“I have no doubt of that.” Justin climbed off the bed and returned with a warm washcloth to clean them both off and retrieved the dildo to wash. After they were settled in bed and Justin had drifted off to sleep, Brian lie awake hoping that his “warning” to Justin about returning the favor wouldn’t turn out to be wishful thinking. He had enjoyed pleasing Justin and his dick had shown a little bit of interest but nothing that could be called an erection. It’s only been a couple days, he told himself. Maybe I just need some more time. Not wanting to dwell on any more ‘what ifs’ he finally fell into a restless sleep.

++++++

 

Brian had called the Oncology Center and made an appointment for 11:00 on Monday to have his stitches removed and get the results of the biopsy. When Monday arrived, Brian didn’t even waste the energy to try to dissuade Justin from accompanying him. He knew that it would be a lost cause and he just wasn’t up to it.

Justin drove them across the city to Dr. Rabinowitz’s office. Brian went upstairs and checked in while Justin parked the car and joined him. It wasn’t long before they were called and shown into an examination room. The nurse asked him to change into a gown and lie on the table and explained that she would return shortly to remove his stitches before the doctor examined him.

When the nurse came back in, she carefully snipped and pulled out the stitches. A couple of times, a stitch caught on the skin, producing a flinch or an “ouch” from Brian but the whole process was over quickly. When she was finished, she left to inform the doctor that they were ready.

In a few minutes, Dr. Rabinowitz entered and shook their hands. “How are you getting along, Brian?” he inquired as he sat down.

“Not too bad. I feel better every day.”

“That’s good. How’s the pain?” Dr. Rabinowitz was making notes in Brian’s chart.

“Only occasionally when I move suddenly. I don’t need to take anything for it.”

“Well, let’s take a look and see how everything is healing.” He motioned for Brian to lie back on the table. He examined the incision, checking for signs of infection. Brian winced a couple times and the doctor reassured him that it was normal. The doctor also probed the artificial testicle and was pleased that there was no soreness or swelling.

“Everything seems to be healing well. Continue to take it easy and resume your normal activities slowly.” He made a few more notes. “You can put your clothes back on and meet me in my office at the end of the hall to discuss the biopsy results.”

Brian got dressed and Justin could see that he was worried. Before they left the room, Justin took his hands and looked into his eyes. “Brian, listen to me. We already know what he’s going to say, right?”

Brian nodded and Justin continued, “We’ve already resigned ourselves to the fact that it’s cancer. We’re just need to find out the extent of it and how to proceed. Whatever we find out, we find out together. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.” Justin put his arms around Brian and hugged him tightly. Brian hesitated for only a moment before returning the embrace, laying his cheek against Justin’s head. At that moment, for the first time since they’d arrived in Baltimore, he was glad to have Justin by his side.

They joined Dr. Rabinowitz in his office and sat in the two chairs across from his desk, their hands automatically coming together. The doctor smiled at them. “Brian, the biopsy results were very conclusive. The tumor was a seminoma but we caught it early and the malignancy seems to have been contained in the tumor itself. It doesn’t seem to have spread.”

Brian and Justin both let out breaths that neither realized that they were holding. “That’s great news.” Brian’s voice shook a little with emotion. He clasped Justin’s hand tighter and looked over at him. Justin eyes were glistening with unshed tears but his face reflected the immense relief they both felt.

The doctor continued. “As a precaution, I recommend that you undergo a series of radiation treatments. We want to be as sure as we can that we don’t miss anything.”

“Do I have to be here or can I do the treatments in Pittsburgh?” Brian asked.

“I’ll arrange to have your file transferred to an oncologist in Pittsburgh and you can have your treatments there,” Dr. Rabinowitz reassured them. “For now, concentrate on returning home and getting your strength back. Radiation treatments won’t start for a couple weeks.”

He stood up and shook their hands. “Good luck. Unless something develops, I’ll see you back here in a year for a check up. Safe traveling.”

The two lovers celebrated by going out to a nice restaurant before returning to the hotel suite. Brian insisted on blowing Justin even though he knew Justin wasn’t allowed to reciprocate yet. Justin expressed his gratitude by giving Brian a relaxing massage, pointedly avoiding touching anything that might get Brian too excited. It wouldn’t be fair.

Afterwards, they both fell into a satisfied sleep. The next morning, they packed and headed home to Pittsburgh. Neither wanted to talk about cancer, surgery or the upcoming radiation treatments. For the time being, they just wanted to go home, knowing that whatever happened, they would face it together.


End file.
